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The role of the wife

Proverbs 31:30 “Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. ”

What is the role of the wife? How does the modern society see the role of the wife? What should a modern wife be like?

In the eyes of the modern society a woman should be:

  • Strong
  • Independent
  • Self-sufficient
  • Reasonable
  • Ambitious
  • Making career
  • Competing with men

Satan’s mission is to deny the differences between men and women, to lure to independence, eliciting and stressing out rights not duties. Therefore a modern wife is often the leading part in marriage. Women often try to be “equal” with men at any cost. This puts a woman under a burden, under a pressure she has not been created to carry.

Women have to come to an understanding and ask for a revelation from God to know what God has created them to be like!!! If a woman yields to God’s will in creating her, she will be set free from the pressure by the society and be happy about who she really is.

Romans 12:2 “Don’t copy the behaviour and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is.” The modern world stresses on the equality of a man and a woman – which basically means that they have equal roles – they both are leaders and decision makers.

What has God (the Creator of a man and a woman) created a woman for and what role has He given her?


a) The role of the wife

The woman has not been created to be a “door mat” or a “sock washer” like the world thinks about the teaching of the Bible. Genesis 2:18-20 “And the LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a companion who will help him.”
God has created woman to be man’s helper (a helping companion), to help man to realize God’s vision, God’s will. Woman is not a helper because she is lower but because God has given her that role.

Genesis 1:26 Then God said, “Let us make people in our image, to be like ourselves.”” Therefore, both are equally created in God’s image and equal before God. It is also proved by the fact that God has given His most precious – His Son – for all, that is for women, too.

Proverbs 12:4 “A worthy wife is her husband’s joy and crown.”
Proverbs 18:22 “The man who finds a wife finds a treasure and receives favor from the LORD.”
Proverbs 31:10 “Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is worth more than precious rubies.” When women understand their role and get a real revelation of who they are called to be, then they will feel joy and peace. A wife who is in God can enjoy her role by her husband.

  • A wife is not lower than her husband, but her husband leads her.
  • Woman was created for man not vice versa.
  • God gave woman a different role (helper) from man’s role: man is the leader, man leads his wife, wife follows her husband (leading is not commanding but leading in love – like Jesus).
  • The man leads, the wife follows and helps him to realize his vision.
  • The wife upholds her husband, yields to him, shows him her respect, loves, encourages.

Respect – she understands her husband, backs him up, knows his worries and continually carries her husband before God in prayers (1 Thessalonians 5:17 “Keep on praying.”)
he lets her husband know that she looks at him with respect (she is proud of him in a good way).
Love – unconditional acceptance and giving (wife has a desire to give her husband her support, love, time and body). Woman desires her husband, his presence, she wants to do her husband’s will. Her thoughts and feelings are about her him. (The difference between men and women – when man is satisfied by the realisation of his visions, then woman is satisfied through the relationship with her husband.)

  • A wife never criticizes her husband before other people and always protects him from other ’s criticism.
  • She cannot criticize her husband, teach him all the time; she cannot remember bad things.
  • She always has to serve her husband first, then her children (in her heart, God always has to be on the first, her husband on the second position).

NB! If woman tries to lead, the harmony set by God will collapses!!!

b) The nature of a wife

God has not created a woman to be ambitious, to fight for her rights. A woman has been created to be gentle, quiet, obeying, not intruding. What is the most important thing about a woman? What is that displays all the characteristics that God originally intended to put in her? It is piety. A pious woman concentrates on the nature of her inner person.

1 Peter 3:4 “Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty that depends on fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should be known for the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.”

A pious woman is gentle, quiet and mild, her heart is soft – this is called femininity and that is what men fall in love with. God’s Word emphasizes things that really beautify a woman, things precious to God.
God does not say, “Women do not adorn yourselves and do not dress nicely!” Often this Scripture is misinterpreted. God says here that it does not beautify a woman (women should not count on it or think of it as an important thing – this is not the main issue). It is normal if you dress nicely, wear pearls and have nice hear-dos.
The real thing that beautifies a woman is something you cannot buy for money or get from a beauty parlour. It is something that makes a woman really beautiful, attractive, charming. God says here that it is an inner, hidden person. This does not depend on clothes, hair-do or make-up, it depends on knowing God and fellowship with Him. This is something that makes a woman really shine inwardly and that kind of inner beauty makes her beautiful outside, too – the gentle and quiet spirit - precious to God. That inner person is like Jesus – gentle and quiet – that is what God has originally created woman to be like.

Women, do not ever forget: the more beautiful a woman is inwardly, the more beautiful is her appearance!!!

God’s Word makes a pinpoint:
Proverbs 11:22 “A woman who is beautiful but lacks discretion is like a gold ring in a pig’s snout.” As the time goes by, our outside beauty lessens because of aging but inner beauty is unfading.

God has created a woman with a desire in her – to be beautiful and attended. A woman’s desire is to take care of her home, to create cosiness and warmth. Tidying hair, wearing jewellery, taking care of clothes is normal. It is important to pay attention to the fact that it cannot gain authority over her – like a obsession on the latest fashion, clothes and make-up. That can lead to addiction, which definitely is not God ’s will.

Sex appeal
A man who loves and fears God is, first of all, attracted to a woman’s inner beauty – to the femininity that harmonizes with her appearance. Sex appeal in a good sense is actually femininity, not revealed body. A pious woman dresses decently, politely and does not make others stumble because of her clothing.

“Weight”
Women often lose hold of their weight. God may sometimes give obesity, sometimes it may be caused by a health disorder but in most cases it is caused by pure laziness and indolence. Obesity is often accompanied by health disorders. God’s will is that we would be healthy. Also, it is sin to eat too much!

A very important part of woman’s nature:
A need for love, kindness, and attention – God created women to be that way. The society has mutilated woman’s identity – she has to compete with men. It is important to a wife that her husband would love her. It is not so important to know he loves her but to feel it. Love is always an action.

Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.” (NKJV) God knew what He had created woman like. A marriage is not happy if the wife feels she is not loved. It is not woman’s caprice but is given by God. Therefore God has given men a guide how to keep a happy marriage – to love his wife.

What does it mean to love your wife as Christ has loved the church?

1) Actions – Jesus did not just sit in the temple and love. He served His church day by day. He loved her more than He loved Himself; He loved her unconditionally. As a church, do we feel that Jesus loves us? Yes, we feel that all the time. It is not important what a husband feels in his heart but whether his wife experiences his love – whether wife feels she is loved.

A wife needs her husband’s closeness, touch, caresses, and care. It has to become husband’s everyday service – it is his decision – to love his wife with actions to be happy himself. It is hard to be happy beside an unhappy wife.

2) Words – they are very important to a wife. How often do husbands tell their wives, “I love you, you are dear to me, kiss, I miss you” etc? It is a problem for men to show their feelings but actually, this is a decision, too.

Wife’s submission – her responsibility before God.

Ephesians 5:22-24 “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the saviour of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.” (NKJV)
Wife’s obligation: Colossians 3:18 “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.” The husband cannot make wife to submit to him, it has to be her decision to submit to her husband and at the same time to Christ. (Also, wives cannot make husbands to love them; it is his decision to love his wife unconditionally.) This is wife’s responsibility irrespective of her husband.

The key is whether a wife has decided to submit 100 per cent or just partly (when husband’s decision is good in her mind). To submit 100% is sometimes very hard but it is possible with God. It is essential for a wife to come to an understanding – when she submits to her husband she submits to God and God ’s blessings will be upon her and their marriage.

When is it most difficult for a wife to submit?

Women are often more sensitive to God’s Spirit, therefore a wife may face a difficult dilemma when her husbands tells her one thing but God’s Spirit tells another.
But God’s Word gives an answer how the wife should act.
1 Corinthians 11:3 “But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.”
1 Peter 3:1 “Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives.” (NKJV)
God’s Word give a wife clear directions to submit to her husband in everything, in every situation, even when the husband behaves wrongly in his wife opinion, even when the husband is not a Christian. A wife is not responsible if something goes wrong in the family because of husband’s bad decision – the husband is responsible for that. A wife is responsible before God to submit to her husband in everything!
Daniel 10:12 “Then he said, “Don’t be afraid, Daniel. Since the first you began to pray for understanding and to humble yourself before God, your request has been heard in heaven. I have come in answer to your prayer.” (NLT)

When a wife is humble before God He will come and change the circumstances because of her prayers. God often wishes, through the husband’s decisions, to change something inside of him, a personality trait etc. If the wife now intervenes and wishes things to go her way then God cannot continue His valuable work in the husband ’s heart.

When cannot a wife to submit to her husband?

In situations that are against God’s Word, for example tax fraud, husband’s pressure on her to have an abortion etc.
Acts 5th chapter – the story of Ananias and Sapphira – Sapphira fallowed her husband in a lie, conspiring against the Lord. They both died.
NB! Pride, self consciousness, and understanding coming from the world are restrain wives from being submissive.
God has given a wife a natural desire to submit to her husband, to devote to him, to be conquered by him. It is easier for a wife to submit to her husband when the husband is doing his part – loves her, is kind and tender to her. A husband finds much easier to love his wife when she is submissive, backing him up, encouraging, respecting, and loving.

The key to a happy marriage is that both the husband (lovingly) and wife (being submissive) have to take responsibility and do his/her part irrespective of the other!!!

Lela Lõhmus

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