Fellowship and unity

Hosea 6:6 (The Amplified Bible), “For I desire and delight in dutiful steadfast love and goodness, not sacrifice, and the knowledge of and acquaintance with God more than burnt offerings.
Matthew 19:5-6 “And said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate.”

Every marriage should, first of all, aim to be united, understand, know and love each other with all one ’s heart.

But who has told that a marriage will one day become routine, the romance and real love will disappear and if, we are lucky, a usual friendship and an obligation to live together remain? Has God said it or is it just a fact of life itself? Many sad examples of unhappy marriages want to confirm us the latter.

Where is the truth then? Is there any point in dreaming of a life long romantic, passionate love with your spouse? The Bible tells us that a man and a woman become one in the marriage. Did God really meant only physical unity? How about feelings and what is a real unity in love?

Still, I believe that God is the one who has put in us a wish to love and be loved and so He has given people His commands and stipulations so we could taste this perfection.

I am sharing convictions that I have learned during my marriage. I personally believe and have experienced that the closer relationship we have with God, the deeper and stronger will be our love for our spouses and it does not depend on time or external difficulties.

According to the Bible, the real unification takes place on the levels of the spirit, senses and body. First of all, it is possible only when both spouses are spiritually born again which is God’s gift to those who testify Jesus Christ as the Lord of their lives, whose relationship with God is right and who evaluate God’s Word as the highest priority in their lives. The more a married couple appreciates it, the stronger their marriage will be.

What characterizes a real godly unification?

Joy of being together

Time spent together
Common events
Activities and working together

Joy of closeness and intimacy

Touches, embraces, kisses
Sharing hearts and feelings
Sexual intercourse
Romance

Common vision

To know God’s plan for their marriage
To have common will, thoughts and teaching

Dedicating to each other in love

Love = the perfect bond
Colossians 3:14 “But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you are called in one body.”
Not to live to oneself
To love the other side unconditionally
A wish to be liked and support the other
Faithfulness
Honouring, respecting

Openness, transparency of feelings

There are no secrets
Sincerity
Love does not justify, love does not need proving.

A wish to serve
Devotion to God

Submitting in everything to God’s will with a wish to serve and love Him

A joy out of fellowship with God

Fellowship is a closeness, where people enjoy each other and feel a real joy out of the other’s existence. The purpose or desire is not a wish to see the other person different but to be loveable and learn to enjoy and love the other as he/she is.

What does it feel like to be really close and united to your spouse?

Love
Peace
Abundant joy
Easiness
Security
Thankfulness
Pleasure
Fondness
Warmth
Passion

A real unity in marriage always brings God’s special presence. God’s Holy Spirit wants to glorify a real godly love in us and if a married couple acknowledges God’s Spirit’s existence in them and lets Holy Spirit to guide them, their marriage will reach a new spiritual dimension and satisfaction. Through this, the fruits of the Spirit occur, the likeness of Christ grows.
Galatians 5:22 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.”

To love my spouse is really a decision. Do I really wish to love him/her unconditionally and passionately or expect rather him/her to love me that way? We cannot forget that love is not selfish. God was not selfish in his love either, but sacrificed His Son for us in love even when we were still sinners.
Love never fades, never disappears. If we fan love, however quenched it is, it will blaze again. Love is not just a feeling, but it comes from God.

Some obstructions in the way of being one

Not forgiving

Colossians 3:12-13 “Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.” (NKJV)
Mark 11:26 “But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.” (NKJV)
Proverbs 17:9 “Disregarding another person’s faults preserves love; telling about them separates close friends.”
It is a sin not to forgive. Forgiving means to forget another person’s mistakes forever. Forgive, even if you have been hurt very badly and the other one does not even know he/she should be sorry! Asking for forgiveness and admitting your mistakes is a powerful weapon against unpardonableness.

Criticism and grouching

Criticism and grouching always creates emotional distance between spouses and opens Satan a door to come into their relationship.

Philippians 2:14-16 “Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life.” (NKJV)
Proverbs 19:13 “…a nagging wife annoys like a constant dripping.”
1 Peter 3:7 “In the same way, you husbands must give honour to your wives. Treat her with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life.”

A wife should not try to lead her husband because God has called man to lead and decide.
NB! A woman needs more often than a man to share her heart and tell about her needs. A man should not take it as criticism but he should be understanding and show love and patience.

What to do if the other side really acted wrong?

Remember that God is omnipresent and omniscient. God can also speak to your spouse and reveal him/her the truth.
Stay in the God’s given role as a husband or a wife.
Check whether there is love inside you.
Remember, the main thing is to be obedient to God and take care of unity and peace, not to try to change the other. It is more important to avoid a fight than to get what you want.
Rather encourage, see positive, support.
Share your concern in love and care.
Pray. Trust God. He is omnipotent!

Jealousy

Proverbs 14:30 “A relaxed attitude lengthens life; jealousy rots it away.”
Song of songs 8:6 “… jealousy is as enduring as the grave.” (NLT)

Jealousy is not from God. Jealousy brakes and poisons a person inside and actually opens a way for evil- conversely to a lie, as it would originate from love.

There is no trust in jealousy but there is a wish to own and tie another person to oneself. Jealousy is caused by a feeling that I am not good enough for my spouse. It is an attitude that centre is “I”. God protects marriage from “above” and makes as fitting enough through His Spirit. Having doubts and worrying and being afraid shows unbelief and having no trust in God.
“Such love has no fear.”1 John 4:18
“Wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, he gives freedom.” 1 Corinthians 3:17
According to 1 Corinthians 13: love is patient, love is kind, love is not jealous, love does not demand it’s own way, love is not irritable, love keeps no record of when it has been wronged, love never gives up, love never loses faith, love is always hopeful, love endures through every circumstance.

Finally

Love needs feeding. Continuously keep giving plenty of love and you will see how it becomes more and more and more. Have a wish to really understand your partner and show him/her attention in every way. See your spouse as a gift from God who has been given to you the way that is the best in God’s opinion.
Never ever give up and God will come and build up your marriage. God Himself, with His own hands will put together all the pieces and pour out His Spirit on you, so you can truly be one, filled with overflowing love and joy.
It is to say with all your heart, “I miss you! I love you! I want to be with you! I want to give myself to you! Thank you for loving me! You are the most precious! What could I do for you that you could be happy?”

Jesus’ prayer, John 17:22-23 “I have given them the glory you gave me, so that they may be one, as we are – I in them and you in me, all being perfected into one. Then the world will know that you sent me and will understand that you love them as much as you love me.”

Peeter Lõhmus

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