The role of a husband

Ephesians 5:21,25  “And further, you will submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” “And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church …”

When counselling several married couples my wife and I have realized there is only one perfect model for marriage – the one that the Bible tells about. Nothing else works. That holds good both in Christian and non-Christian marriages.

God did not intend democracy between a wife and a husband because all democracy and equal rights lead to power struggle and one side will always lose. God appointed roles for a man and woman in marriage. It does not make a husband more important and a wife secondary. God has created marriage to be like that so a husband and wife could complete each other and be happy. A wife and a husband are equal before God and will answer how they have acquitted their parts in love.

To observe the role of a husband or the way a man should act as a husband, one has to admit that a right and blessed marriage can operate only in Christ. It means that both a husband and a wife should have a relationship with God and the highest purpose of their marriage should be following Christ and living for Him.

A godly marriage is a simile of the godly relationship between Christ and His church Revelation 19:7. To understand how a marriage that has been created and blessed by God should work, we lift our eyes upon God himself and learn from Him. In some ways we all have models and to live in the role of a husband we can look at Jesus who was, is and will be the model for everything.

2 Corinthians 3:18  “But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord. ” (NKJV)

What are the characteristics of a husband described in the Bible?

1. Submission to God

1 Corinthians 11:3  “… A man is responsible to Christ, a woman is responsible to her husband, and Christ is responsible to God.” Christ submitted to God the Father in everything and did what he saw the Father doing. As Jesus always walked in the Father’s will (John 5:30, John 5:38), so is every husband first of all a follower of Christ. A man submitted to the Lord does first of all what is good in the eyes of God being brave to take the responsibility for his family and bear the burdens.

2. A readiness to serve

Mark 10:45  “For even I, the Son of Man, came here not to be served but to serve others, and to give my life as a ransom for many.”
John 13:14  “And since I, the Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other’s feet.”

Jesus washed the feet of His disciples. Why? He wished to give them the right example. A husband serves his family through love. It does not mean to show his superiority. But neither does it mean that “the wife is wearing pants” in that family. A husband is the leader, cares for, protects and loves his wife as the weaker side. Husband’s attempt to show his love for his wife in every way causes a wish to submit and serve her husband in the heart of the wife.

A husband should ask himself, “How could I make my wife happy, what could I do for her, how could I bring her joy, what does she need, how could I help her to become more like Christ? ”

3. Having a godly vision

Jesus was born into this world with a purpose to save man from eternal doom and separation from God. It cost His life.

Every married couple has their own vision in this life. First of all a husband takes care that their marriage would stay in God’s will. It is with their marriage to give first a light and an example to others and to declare Jesus. (God showed that for our marriage.) Every husband has been called to spread the Gospel first of all among his close ones.

4. A husband does his part in love

Romans 12:9  “Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good.”
Colossians 3:12  “Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection.” (NKJV)

Jesus submitted Himself by free will, in love. He had the authority to take and leave His life John 10:18. In everything let love be first – it is the bond of perfection.

God is love and there is no God where love is missing. God has not given anyone any authority over another by commands, repressing, force or violence, but in love. Every act that is not made in love is worthless in God’s eyes 1 Corinthians 13. It does not build marriage.

A husband who does his part out of responsibility and to conform to rules is no better than Pharisees who were perfect according to the law but still were despised by Jesus. It is hypocritical behaviour that will make a wife rather unhappy than happy.

The measure of husband’s love must not be dependent on how well the wife can manage certain things, how perfect she looks or how well she plays her part. Love is always uplifting, encouraging, supporting etc. The right love from her husband lets a wife to feel safe and really desired by her husband.

A husband’s love towards his wife is to

• Notice her everywhere, both in and outside the house and to acknowledge her;
• Make compliments, see good in her and tell her that;
• Encourage, support,
• Tell her, “I love you!” as often as she needs that and more;
• Grant her desires and wishes. (A man in love is ready to “bring the stars from the sky”. A married man sometimes does not wish to spend a dime on his wife.)
• Desire to be alone, create romance, share each other;
• Carry burdens. (When addition to the facts that the roof needs repairing, things went wrong at work and there is nothing to eat at the house, the wife says that the iron and washing machine need repairing and she needs a new winter coat then it is not the husband’s place to take off, but to say, “Don’t worry, honey, everything will be all right! I will work something out!”)
• Share his thoughts, feelings, worries, wishes and desires;
• Be a good and understanding listener;
• Be tolerant and forgiving. The best “glue” for each other is forgiveness.
• A wife needs to feel she is loved and necessary. She feels that best through intimacy and closeness. A husband’s part is to continuously pay attention to his wife coddling, caressing, kissing and desiring her.
• If a husband forgets to do that or does not think it is necessary it actually opens a door for Satan who will come to tease the wife that she is not good or pretty enough.

5. Leading and taking responsibility

Ephesians 5:23 “For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of his body, the church; he gave his live to be her Saviour.”
1 Corinthians 1:11 “And you should fallow my example, just as I fallow Christ’s.”

Being the head of his wife is both a God’s given privilege but also an order. Christ leads the church first of all by example and love. It means going first, leading the way. If the church fallows Christ it is because what He has done for her (given His life) and what He is like (God is love).

Every husband should reflect Christ. A man looks at Christ with a wish to become like Him. To a husband who loves his wife tenderly, respectfully and with honour, the wife follows gladly. It creates a good ground for a wife to submit to God in everything. It is especially important when concerning children.

When experiencing differences it is husband’s part first to lovingly find a common ground, not just to force his opinion on his wife. A wise husband respects and values his wife’s opinions and is able to admit his mistakes. Sometimes a wife is more sensitive to God’s voice.
Proverbs 20:3 “Avoiding a fight is a mark of honour; only fools insist on quarrelling.”

While making difficult, important and sometimes final decisions a husband has the last word for what (as well as for indecision) he will answer to God.

Every man who does not want to lead and take the responsibility for his family’s needs sends his wife to a situation where she has to take care of all family life, raising children etc. In reality it will place a responsibility and burden on her shoulders that she is not called to carry and cannot carry by herself.

6. Supplying your wife’s needs

Ephesians 5:28-30 “So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones.” (NKJV)
1 Corinthians 7:4 “The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” (NKJV)

7. The role of a priest

An important role of a husband is to be a priest in his family. It means to

• Pray every day for spiritual and physical needs of his family;
• Share spiritual food to his family, it is God’s Word;
• Find out and carry out God’s will;
• Pray with his wife;
• Ask God’s protection over marriage and family;
• Take his family to church;
• Take care that every family member would grow in knowledge of Christ, that their lives would be clean and spotless; to organize his and family’s relationship and forgiveness with God;
• Be a peacemaker, resolve fights, do justice.

1 Peter 3:7 “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honour to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered. ” (NKJV)

Finally

The best proof of a good husband is a fact that his wife is happy and beaming. A wife like that wants to be a real blessing to her husband.

God approves a man who knows his family well. He experiences blessings and success on his way. God checks if a man has first been faithful in his role in marriage (this concerns a woman, too). Other ministry and work can be successful only when a husband has lovingly and caringly taken care of his wife and children.

One day every Christian husband has to stand before Jesus in heaven. Are you ready for that? Are you waiting for God to tell you, “Well done, good and faithful servant; you have been faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Matthew 25:23 Enter into the joy of your lord.” Luke 19:17 “Well done, good servant; because you were faithful in a very little, have authority over ten cities.”

Peeter Lõhmus

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