How to find and recognize the right spouse?

Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.”
Psalms 127:1 “Unless the Lord builds a house, the work of the builders is useless.”
Psalms 37:4-5 “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you.”
1 Peter 5:6-7 “So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and in his good time he will honour you. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you.”

This subject has been written straight form the heart in order to share our experiences and help people who are looking for their dream spouse. Every day one can meet people in love who cannot sleep or stop thinking about their dream mate. If we could tape all those stories and then fast forward them we would notice that many of those beautiful “love” stories end in heartache, despair, disappointment, and, in the worst occasion, with accusations and disagreements. Why?

Why do the most desired and the best friend later turn out to be a big disappointment? Why are the most people hurt in the relationships between a man and a woman and why are there people who are ready to end their lives?

The relationship between two people is always very unique and special. This is really a great mystery how two people from this big world come together and arrive at the gates of marriage. I believe only God is the one who knows who is the best spouse for every person and if the person submits to His word and will then God is able to bring him together with the right person.

Some facts in the Bible that should be considered by everyone who wants to receive God ’s best for his life.

Sexual relations outside the marriage are a sin, it does not depend on whether the people love each other or not. (This includes the common law marriage!!!) Hebrews 13:4, 1 Corinthians 7:2, 1 Corinthians 6:9-10
Starting a relationship with a person who is already married (including lusting anybody with your eyes) is a sin. Also, an emotionally close relationship with a married person equals to adultery. Matthew 5:28
God joins the two people in marriage for all their lives. Divorce is never good in the eyes of God. Matthew 19:6
To actuate love before receiving clarity from God means to play and manipulate your own and the other persons feelings. Song of Songs 8:4, 1 Thessalonians 4:3-6, Romans 13:13-14

So how to find and recognize the right spouse that God has given you?

1. Principle – Trust God in everything!

Believe your right spouse from God! God’s Word says that everything is possible to the one who believes. Everyone who believes that Jesus has erased his sins and has let Him to come to his heart can always believe that God as the Heavenly Father looks at him/her as a dear son or daughter and will take care that His sons and daughters would have a happy marriages. God is almighty. He knows what is in our minds, in our hearts. He knows what is best for us. One can trust God because God is love. God is the author of human relationships.

1. Example – God Himself created a wife for Adam and brought her to Adam. Genesis 2:18, Genesis 2:22

2. Example – Genesis 24 “Rebekah is found for Isaac”
Abraham believed that God Himself would give a wife for Isaac. Genesis 24:7
Abraham leaned on the God’s promise not on his own reason. Genesis 24:7
Abraham trusted God 100%. He sent his servant to choose a wife for his son.
Abraham was not afraid of failure.
Isaac’s future wife Rebekah was very humble and pious. Rebakah trusted God in everything. Rebekah recognized Abraham’s servant as person sent by God. She was sensitive to God’s “voice”. Genesis 24:18
The result: marriage called by God was born. God took care that they would be happy and could love each other. Genesis 24:26

3. Example – Judges 14 “Samson’s wedding and his riddle”
Samson decided to marry a woman according his own reasoning. He leaned on the things that were right in his eyes. Judges 14:3
The result: the wife was not faithful to him, she cheated on him, their life together fell apart, the woman married another.

4. Example – Matthew 1 “The birth of Jesus”
Joseph leaned on God. He submitted God’s word that came through an angel. He stayed with his fiancée though she was pregnant and not from him. Joseph leaned on God; he did not look at the present conditions but managed to trust God in such a difficult situation.
The result: God blessed their marriage. Jesus, the Saviour of the world, Son of God was born into a loving family, chosen and appointed by God.

2. Principle: Everyone is free to choose according his will.

Rebekah had a right to choose whether to marry Isaac or not. Genesis 21:58
God does not force anyone to get married.
We do not have right to force anyone to marry us.
God will let both of the persons know who is right for them.

3. Principle: The chosen person has to be free for marriage according to God’s Word.

He/she cannot be already married – that would be adultery (including the case when the chosen person does not live with his/her spouse any more). Matthew 5:32; Matthew 19:9
God’s best is giving a Christian spouse. 2 Corinthians 6:14 “Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can goodness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness?”
She/he cannot be engaged to somebody else.

4. Principle: A man sees outward appearance but God sees what is in the heart.

Trust the leading of God’s Holy Spirit. God alone can see in the heart of another person.
1 Samuel 16:7 “But the Lord said to Samuel, “Don’t judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The Lord doesn’t make decisions the way you do! People judge by outward appearance, but the lord looks at person’s thoughts and intentions.”

5. Principle: Check your emotions and motives.

A marriage is contracted in love. Divine love is giving yourself unconditionally to make another person happy, not just to be happy and loved yourself. Love does not seek for it’s own advantage. Being happily married myself I can tell you now that during my previous life I have had to suffer a lot for my selfishness and unbridled nature in relationships with women.

God has given premarital period for us to prepare ourselves for marriage thinking how to become a person whom your future spouse would desire. Nobody is ever completely ready for marriage. To be a faithful and loving spouse you have to at first discipline yourself to be faithful, caring and loving to everybody and everywhere. If we believe all that will come in marriage by itself we could learn some really painful and hard lessons later.

6. Principle: There is a certain time for God’s blessings. Believe and do not ever lose hope.

If we are children of God, then His Holy Spirit will lead us.
God’s Holy Spirit lives in us and talks through our conscience and internal “voice”.
It is God’s will for us to know who is our right spouse.

If you do not know God’s will then:

Believe God has the best and right spouse for you.
Pray and listen to your heart (maybe God is leading you to go somewhere, do something, help somebody, participate in something …)
If there is no answer – wait!
Do not start acting by your own reason.
Pray with other Christians.
Consult with your pastor or the leader of your home group.
Be sure your life is settled according to God’s will and check your motives.
Pray that God would change you, too, that you could make your future spouse happy.
If a person stays in your heart or comes forward among the others try to find an answer to the question, “Is he/she the right one or do I have to wait for the next?” (In the later stage of the relationship it is much harder to sense that.)
If God says, “STOP” be brave to back up and wait for the next. Acts 16:6-10.
If God gives you “green lights” be sure to give the other person the freedom to recognize and decide.

If the other person also knows in his/her heart that you are the one, prepare your hearts for marriage and decide to stay clean until God gives you to each other through wedding. This is so important.

Peeter Lõhmus

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