HomeEmotional faithfulness and communication
Hebrews 4:12 “For the word of God is full
of living power. It is sharper than the sharpest knife, cutting deep into
our innermost thoughts and desires. It exposes us for what we really are.”
Emotional faithfulness – it means that there is nobody else except his/her spouse for a man/woman. Emotional unfaithfulness is cheating on your spouse with your heart, thoughts and mouth – sharing your heart and thoughts with somebody else. Faithfulness is often taken just in sexual context as keeping (reserving) yourself only for your spouse. But God’s Word sets much higher standards for us “But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust in his eye has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:28
So, God thinks adultery can take place even only in your heart – God values emotional faithfulness – emotional unfaithfulness is a sin.
Hebrews 13:4 “Give honour to marriage,
and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people
who are immoral and those who commit adultery.”
Malachi 2:15-16 “Didn’t the Lord make
you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his. And what does he
want? Godly children from your union. So guard yourself; remain loyal to
the wife of your youth. “For I hate divorce!” says the Lord,
the God of Israel. “It is as cruel as putting on a victim’s bloodstained
coat,” says the Lord Almighty. “So guard yourself; always remain
loyal to your wife.””
Everything in us, including our dreams, belongs to our spouse.
In what cases is one emotionally unfaithful to one’s spouse or how should one act to be emotionally faithful?
- Never criticise your spouse before the others;
- Do not take somebody else’s side (for example in a conversation) even when you think your husband is wrong; be sure to protect your husband before others, be positive towards him/her.
- Never speak to anybody else about the deep matters of your heart, about your dreams or marital problems (if you cannot find a solution together, you should turn to a pastor or to another trustworthy Christian and do that together with your spouse);
- Do not make an appointment nor agree to a one-o-one meetings with the opposite sex;
- Give up all the “friends” from the opposite sex when you marry.
“We are just friends. What’s wrong with
that?” We have heard that kind of statements often. But we have also
seen the tensions that the “friendships” have brought to marriages.
We are convinced that there can never be a true friendship in the cleanest
sense between a man and a woman, so that none of them could have any indecent
thoughts about the other. God’s Word says that who only looks at a
woman lusting her with his eyes, is already sinned …
Who is a friend? A friend is a person who you spend your time with,
who you share your heart with more than with other people. With every meeting
with your friend you are getting father from your spouse.
- If you find somebody who attracts you, you cannot go father in your
mind (if you discover you are thinking of somebody, stop!);
Exodus 20:14,17 “Do not commit adultery. Do not covet your neighbour’s house. Do not covet your neighbour’s wife …” - Do not “feed” yourself with “soaps” (feelings towards actors may spring, also longings for someone perfect), porn magazines, porn videos or internet sites – they create a comparison to your spouse; it disconnects spouses from each other.
These forenamed things may seem like trivial but those little things separate
spouses step-by-step from each other and suddenly they feel their marriage
is empty and unravelled. To be happily one, both of the spouses have
to let go of these things – it is a decision. 1
Corinthians 10:23 “You say, “I am allowed to do anything” – but
not everything is helpful. You say, “I am allowed to do anything” – but
not everything is beneficial.”
The “little foxes” of emotional unfaithfulness are chewing the bond that binds the spouses.
Communication
Matthew 12:36 “And I tell you this, that
you must give an account on judgment day of every idle word you speak.”
Spouses’ words can build up the marriage but also destroy it. It might
be helpful to imagine a marriage as a bank account – good words and
deeds are increase it, but bad and nasty ones decrease it. If there are many
bad things, the marriage will go bankrupt as a bank account goes to minuses – bankrupt.
It is important to know God’s will – speak good things in love.
Titus 2:1 “But as for you, promote the kind
of living that reflects right teaching.”
he communication could be categorized to three levels:
- Superficial – about weather, work etc;
- Sharing thoughts, ideas;
- Sharing feelings, desires of the heart.
All the three levels should operate between spouses. But often it is the other way around – in the evening at home you only share information with your spouse, but at work you have somebody you share your ideas and desires with – this is emotional unfaithfulness.
The way good deeds unite spouses, so does the conversation that is carried by love – sharing your heart and thoughts with each other verbally. One should not think that the other automatically knows your desires and thoughts - you need to communicate. But to do it lovingly, using beautiful words.
James 3:6 “And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is full of wickedness that can ruin your whole life. It can turn the entire course of your life into a blazing flame of destruction, for it is set on fire by hell itself. ”
Talking, long conversations create openness and trust between spouses. To be spiritually naked before each other – that takes weapons from Satan that allow him to bring doubts between spouses.
Ephesians 5:13 “But all things that are exposed are made manifest by the light, for whatever makes manifest is light. ” (NKJV)
There should not be any secrets between spouses – they are after all one. Even if one of them has made a mistake (for example been emotionally unfaithful), one has to confess it to his/her spouse and seek forgiveness.
1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (NKJV) Spouses have to share everything – their thoughts, actions, doings, plans, and also temptations.
Lela Lõhmus
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