The differences between spouses

If we study these two variants closer, then in the first case, the shells would fit together, in the second case they would not. In reality, relationships between people are much more complicated. Still, there is one common line about happy spouses – they fit each other. What does it mean in reality?
Yes! We can often hear people say that those two are fitting together wonderfully. But we can hear other words from the spouses themselves, like, “My spouse and me, we just don’t go together, we are so different.”

God says in His Word, in the Bible one very important rule about marriage.
Matthew 19:6 “Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

There are no trial marriages in God’s will. Therefore, if two people have found each other and their relationship has come to the harbour of marriage, there has to be a way to enjoy happiness in their marriage. God is love and it is unlikely that He wants anybody to lead miserable life with the spouse because of that rule.

If we go back to these eggshells and compare this picture with differences between spouses, we can say following:

• Both spouses have their own strong and weak sides, characteristics;
• Neither can be equal with the other in everything; one is stronger in one thing and vice versa.

If the spouses really fit together then, knowing their relationship better, one can surely see that they rather have the skill to fit each other. This means that they learn to know each other’s peculiarities. This is a skill to look critically at one’s own behaviour and become comfortable with other ’s differences.

In the first case (Variant 1), the spouses first of all complete each other. They learn to know each other’s needs and meet them. They support each other, complementing each other in things that the other side is weaker in or does not have that kind of a gift that the other does. They are not critical about other’s flaws, but see in them the opportunity to show their support and love for their spouse.

In the second case (Variant 2), the spouses first of all see other’s side differences as hindrances in the way of good marriage. They say inside themselves, “It is not I who has to change but my spouse has to repent and change.” The results are tensions and quarrels. And in the place where the husband should reach his hand for his wife and vice versa, they withdraw instead. This deepens dissension between the spouses even more. Often men are the first side who do not bear the tension and leave their wives. After that, the husband may become involved with another woman who seems much more understanding, accepting and caring than his own wife. God keep all the marriages from getting to that point.

There are several kinds of differences between spouses. One side is a man and other a woman, hence the diversities. God has defined the roles of the husband and the wife. The husband is the “head” of the wife in love and the wife is the husband ’s helper in love.

Therefore, God has put in a man the ability to act as a leader in his family and in a woman the ability to be his help. God has also put in a man his needs and in a woman her needs so they could perform their parts and feel good while doing it.

When a marriage is in crisis, we often hear the wife say that her husband does not love her, is withdrawn or does not take the responsibility of the family matters. We can hear the husband say that the wife is always nagging, does not understand him nor trust him. In that kind of a marriage, neither side’s needs are met, hence the both side’s inability and unwillingness to perform their parts – for the man to love his wife as Christ loves the church and for the woman to be subject to her husband as the church is subject to Christ Ephesians 5:24-25.

At the marriage seminar, we asked the spouses to write down 3 main needs that they are expecting to be met by their spouses. I am displaying the most important ones.

Men expected from their wives:

• Love, sexual relationship;
• Acknowledgement;
• Patience;
• Spiritual understanding, time to be alone;
• Understanding in solving situations and the husband’s doings.

Women expected from their husbands:

• Gentleness, tenderness, intimacy;
• Romance;
• Experiencing love;
• Attention, interest in her worries;
• Feeling of security.

This is definitely not the final and complete list of spouses’ needs. But we have to admit that men and women have different needs in nature. Who should really meet the spouses’ needs if not their own spouses? According to the Bible, God has written it down as an obligation towards each other. Otherwise it is a sin.
1 Corinthians 7:3 “The husband should not deprive his wife of sexual intimacy, which is her right as a married woman, nor should the wife deprive her husband.”

My wife and I have learned a very important truth. I believe that this is the key of a happy marriage: to acknowledge God’s Word as a higher priority in our lives and ask God to fill our hearts with His love every day that we could be loving and understanding spouses to each other. In God, we have learned to forgive each other, be patient with each other’s differences and get strength to be loving spouses in God.
There are things that Lela understands better and vice versa. She is more sensitive to God’s voice than I, she is wonderful in details and good with people. I can see things in a bigger picture, sometimes understand the Scripture more deeply and hold faith and hope up.

God has united us, as we are to complete each other. God revealed us that the whole foundation of our service is actually our marriage. It is not always easy to admit our mistakes and submit to God, but it is the only way to become like Him and radiate His love. The marriage with it’s difficulties and joys can be observed as a frame, where God smoothes our corners. God measures our lives through our willingness to stay in love in everything.

Which road have you chosen in your marriage? Whether to grumble and hope that everything will change by itself or changing yourself and trying to make your marriage happier continually – to decide to love your spouse unconditionally, despite all the differences?

Colossians 3:12-15  “Since God chose you to be the holy people whom he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. You must make allowance for each other’s faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. And the most important piece of clothing you must wear is love. Love is what binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are all called to live in peace. And always be thankful. ”

Peeter Lõhmus

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